


Miracle Max and the Coveted Pig

by LucianCarter72



Category: The Princess Bride - Simon Morgenstern
Genre: Comedy, Older Man/Younger Woman, Screenplay/Script Format, Short, pig - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 11:42:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19829476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucianCarter72/pseuds/LucianCarter72
Summary: In this whimsical short script, two men come to a "wise man" to settle an argument.





	Miracle Max and the Coveted Pig

A Short film by Lucian Carter

Based on a character from The Princess Bride

FADE IN:

EXT: Miracle Max's Cottage. Dawn.

INT: Miracle Max's Cottage. Continuous.

MIRACLE MAX (Billy Crystal) is puttering around his home,  
straightening things here and there, but having no real  
impact on the cluttered mess. Suddenly, there is a pounding  
on the door.

MAX  
What pounding! Always with the  
pounding. Now my head is pounding.

He makes his way to the door and opens it. Outside stand two  
men, OLAF (Abraham Benrubi) and CONGRAVE (Hugh Laurie). Each  
holds a length of rope that is attached to a SMALL PIG.

MAX  
Hello, you make a lovely couple.  
And you brought me a pig. How nice.

Olaf speaks in a deep gruff voice.

OLAF  
(offended)  
We're not a couple!

MAX  
Well then, I hate to ask who's with  
the pig.

Congrave has a refined demeanor and speaks in perfect, crisp  
English.

CONGRAVE  
Miracle Max?

MAX  
I ain't the Avon Lady. And neither  
are you. Why are you bothering me?

CONGRAVE  
We need you to settle a dispute.

MAX  
What do I look like, Judge Judy?

OLAF  
It's about this pig.

MAX  
I'm not the judge at the county  
fair either.

CONGRAVE  
No, no, no, my good man. We're  
neighbors, you see, living on the  
edge of the forest.

MAX  
I'm sure the forest loves you both  
very much.

OLAF  
Last week this pig showed up out of  
the blue and started eating my  
garden.

CONGRAVE  
And mine as well.

OLAF  
More of mine.

CONGRAVE  
Oh dear, he ate your precious  
cabbages. I had award winning roses  
he tromped all over.

MAX  
Still not seeing why you are  
bothering me.

OLAF  
I want to eat it!

CONGRAVE  
Well, so do I.

MAX  
I've read the Bible. Why don't I  
just tell you to cut it in half?

OLAF  
It's too small. It won't feed two.

CONGRAVE  
Especially not your fat behind.

OLAF  
How'd you like a fat lip?

MAX  
No fighting in here, unless I can  
charge admission. Let me see this  
pig.

They both hand their leashes to the miracle worker. He leads  
the pig inside, then gingerly lifts it onto the small open  
space on his table.

MAX  
Pigs can be tricky creatures.

He gets out a stethoscope and listens to the pig's heart.

MAX  
Beat, beat, beat, beat. Repeat,  
repeat, repeat, repeat.

He checks its ears.

MAX  
They say pigs are smart. But then,  
they say a lot of things. And have  
you ever met "they?" I mostly meet  
a lot of "yous." Of course, ewes  
are sheep and that has nothing to  
do with pigs.

He checks the hooves.

MAX  
I was never much of a hoover. But  
that could be because the vacuum  
cleaner hasn't been invented yet.

The two others exchange curious glances.

MAX  
That wasn't meant for you two. But,  
I'm sure the audience is rolling in  
the aisles.

He pulls the pig's tail. It squeals.

MAX  
Well, first off, this pig is a she.  
That makes her a sow. A so-so sow.

CONGRAVE  
First off?

MAX  
Second off, this is not a pig.

OLAF  
What are you talking about?

MAX  
This pig is a woman.

CONGRAVE  
What?

MAX  
In the depths of the forest lives  
an evil witch. She goes by the name  
of Elusia. She has a habit of  
turning intruders into pigs.

OLAF  
That's terrible.

CONGRAVE  
Can you do anything?

MAX  
I can't. Unless...

CONGRAVE  
Go on.

OLAF  
Yeah, what?

MAX  
Unless one of you was to go to the  
witch's lair and get a lock of her  
hair. Then I could brew a tea that  
will cure her. It's really good.  
Tastes like Snapple.

OLAF  
Get her hair? How?

MAX  
I suppose you could sneak up on her  
while she was asleep and cut some  
off. Or you could just kill her.  
Probably the safer bet.

CONGRAVE  
Are you mad?! I'm not going to risk  
my life for some woman I do not  
know.

Olaf puffs out his chest.

OLAF  
I will do it, though I do not know  
the way.

MAX  
You're a brave man.

Max bursts out laughing.

OLAF  
What? What's funny?

MAX  
I'm just messing with you. It's  
just a pig!

The two men do not look happy at being tricked.

MAX  
But, since you were willing to risk  
your life, I'd say you deserve the  
pig, big guy.

CONGRAVE  
A plague on both your houses.

He storms out of the cottage.

OLAF  
Thank you for your wisdom.

MAX  
And thank you for the body odor.  
You smell like landfill.

OLAF  
Then I shall be on my way.

MAX  
Not so fast.

OLAF  
What is it?

MAX  
There is the small matter of my  
fee.

OLAF  
Fee? I have nothing to pay you.

MAX  
It's not much. Let's say, one pig.

OLAF  
What?

MAX  
If you don't want to pay I could  
always put a curse on you.

OLAF  
Then I came all this way for  
nothing?

MAX  
You have the joy of having won the  
argument. And a lesson.

OLAF  
What lesson?

MAX  
Don't bother me over trivialities!

OLAF  
You're a jackass.

He storms out.

MAX  
I thought they'd never leave.

He looks to the pig.

MAX  
I feel like bacon tonight, like  
bacon tonight.

He looks down at the dirt floor. The pig has scratched  
something in it. He looks closer. The scratches are words:  
Help me.

MAX  
Oh boy.

FADE OUT

THE END.


End file.
